My Comedic Relief
by osnapitzaGLEEK
Summary: Rachel's roommate just moved out, but to keep Rachel happy, she sends her to see a comedy show starring the one and only Jeff Dunham. What happens when she meets him backstage? ONESHOT AU fic; R&R


A/N: Ok, so this is a ONESHOT and it only involves one character from Glee. I'm watching Jeff Dunham right now and because I find him attractive, and I love putting Lea/Rachel in situations with men, finding new ways for her to react to them, I wanted to try this one out! Let me know what you think! Any Jeff Dunham fans out there? P.S. FOR MATURE READERS ONLY!

Disclaimer: Don't own Jeff, his puppets, or Lea! I do however own the thoughts to this story! Finally, I can claim something as my own.

Setting for this story: Rachel has been a college student at NYU for one full year, has matured into a more appropriate young lady, and certainly knows how to dress. Also, in this particular story, Jeff Dunham isn't married, doesn't have kids, and isn't tied down in any other way.

Rachel unlocked the door to her apartment, sighing as she entered the dark place she called home. Her roommate had moved out earlier in the day, and even though it had only been a few hours, she felt lonely. After flipping on the light switch, she kicked her shoes off and headed to her bedroom to lie down.

Upon opening the door, she found a note lying on the floor a few feet in front of her. Grabbing the note, she walked over to her bed and flopped down onto her stomach. She unfolded it and watched as a small envelope fell to her mattress. Ignoring it for a moment, she read the note in her hands.

_Dear Rach, I already miss you like crazy! Even a few hours without you has made me feel like I've lost my own personal music box. Anyways, to keep you from feeling as sad as I do, I went online and found a comedy show that will make you smile. You also get a backstage pass because I just love you that much. I've been to this guy's show before and I know you're going to love it. Plus, for an older man, he's quite attractive! Enjoy, my lovely musical mistress! Signed, Zoey P.S. Dress cute! You never know what might happen!_

A smile grew across Rachel's face. It was typical of Zoey to make her blush when it came to mentioning her sex life.

Rachel rolled over to her back, grabbing the envelope that had come with the letter. Opening it, she pulled out a ticket and a backstage pass, both labeled to see Jeff Dunham. Looking at a picture that Zoey had also slid into the envelope, Rachel smiled. He was quite attractive for being older. Knowing she couldn't turn down this offer, she forced herself from her comfortable bed and headed to the bathroom.

Turning the knob on the wall, Rachel ridded herself of her clothes as the water warmed up to her liking. Once satisfied, she stepped in, letting the water cover her body. She grabbed the shampoo and conditioner, combining them in her hand and lathering it into her brown locks. Cleaning the mix from her hands, she then grabbed her loofa, squirted her Vanilla Almond body wash onto it and rubbing it over every inch of her body. Letting the water wash it away, she relaxed her body against the wall. She felt as though the days stress was being cleansed from her body. After standing there for quite a long time, Rachel finished ridding herself of the soap that was still covering her hair and body. Shutting off the water, she climbed out, wrapping a freshly cleaned towel around her petite frame. She wrung out her hair and let it fall to her shoulders.

Looking in the mirror, Rachel took a long look at herself before continuing her process to get ready for her late night events. Running her fingers through her wet hair, she thought about the different ways she could style it to make herself look more mature. Finally landing on pulling it into a fancy, low side ponytail, she blow-dryed and styled it. Moving on to her make-up, she went for a more subtle look, swiping shimmer across her lids, slid on a light coat of eye liner, and touched up her lashes with a midnight colored mascara.

Finding herself satisfied with the way her hair and make-up turned out, she headed back to her room, heading straight for her closet. As she pulled open her closet door, she found a dress, hanging inside a plastic covering, another note gracing Rachel's presence. She tugged it off and opened it, reading the next note.

_Rach! I hope you're looking stunning! (I'm sure you are!) This little number is something from my special collection, the collection I save for looking super hot on special nights out! Going through your closet, I found that you didn't have anything as sexy as I expected, SO I went to my new place, got this, and put it here for you. Put it on! You're going to look great! Love you, babes! Have fun tonight! (But not more fun than what I'd have!) Signed, Zoey_

Rachel shook her head, letting a bit of laugher escape her lips and fill the silence surrounding her. She pulled the dress from her closet, slid it out of the plastic cover, and took it off the hanger. Her eyes widened as she saw how small the dress really was, how much of it was cut out, and how the sparkles reflected on to the walls. She twisted the dress around in her hands and looked it over, taking in its beauty. She headed over to her dresser drawer, pulled out a laced, black, strapless bra, grabbed the matching panties, and headed back to the bathroom.

Letting the towel drop from her body, she slid on her panties and strapped on her bra, twisting it around and setting in into place. Looking over to the dress, she shook her head, _Oh Zoey, I hope you're right about this dress._ She unzipped the zipper and stepped into it, pulling it up her body. Once comfortable, she zipped herself up and walked back to her bedroom, looking in her full length mirror. She was more than shocked at the sight that reflected back at her. She felt as beautiful as she looked, letting her confidence radiate in the way she would act the rest of the night.

Arriving at the theatre, Rachel walked to the front doors. She looked up to the sign, reading the name of the man she was coming to see. A wider smile forming on her face, she walked inside, handing the usher her ticket. He led her to a reserved section in the front, very close to the stage. She nodded her thanks to him and took her seat in the row. It was only ten minutes to show time and the people around her started filing into their seats.

The lights went down and soon a voice came over the systems, telling the crowd to give a warm welcome to Jeff as he came on stage. Rachel cheered along with everyone else, giving him a standing ovation before she even really knew what he was capable of. After taking her seat once again, she realized that she was really going to enjoy the show, because comedic or not, the man that was not standing only feet from her was more handsome that a picture could ever capture.

Jeff Dunham went through his show, bringing out each puppet and putting on a show for the audience. He shared several personal stories, made up ones along the way, and in all, shared his talents with the people seated before him.

When the show was finished, Rachel stood again, this time knowing every intention of why she was clapping. She had never laughed more in her life, her side currently in pain from the constant heaving she had endured during the show.

Once her row had filed out, Rachel showed her backstage pass to the usher at the end of the row who then led her up the stairs and through the wings of the stage. He led her out a door and down a hallway. Upon arriving at Jeff's dressing room, the usher knocked. When Jeff opened the door, the usher explained Rachel's presence. Jeff smiled, "C'mon in."

Rachel, feeling a bit star struck, flashed him a smile and brushed past him. Jeff thanked the usher and closed the door, turning around to face the young woman now standing before him. "So," his voice filled the silence, "was this your first show?"

Rachel tried to maintain the confidence she had felt when she first got dressed. She dragged her eyes from the floor, now making direct eye contact with him. Still finding it hard to speak, she nodded her head in response to his question.

"Well, how did you feel about it? And be completely honest…Achmed won't blow you up…" he chuckled a bit.

Rachel laughed.

"Finally, some noise out of you. For a minute there, I thought you were a mime. Well? And by the way, what's your name?"

Her smiled beamed, "You were amazing up there. I loved the show! And my name is Rachel!"

"Good!" he smiled, motioning her to take a seat on the couch that rested against the wall. He sat down next to her, turning his body slightly to face her, "It's nice to meet you, Rachel. What was your favorite part?"

_Getting to stare at you the entire time!_ She tried to hide the feelings her thoughts were creating. "My favorite part was probably your bit with Peanut and Jose'."

"Peanut is one of my better puppets, and Jose' just makes people laugh, due to his…stick…situation," Jeff added.

Rachel couldn't help but laugh once again. "You are a funny man, Jeff Dunham!"

He nodded his thanks, "How about you and I sneak out of here? I'm in town for the next few days and need a little variety in my life!"

Rachel was taken aback by this, but, channeling her inner 'Zoey', she remained calm and answered, "Sure! There's a bar down the street. They have karaoke, great drinks, and an awesome DJ!"

Jeff stood, holding his arm out for her, "Lead the way!"

Rachel stood and linked her arm into his. She opened his dressing room door, peaking her head out to see if anyone was there. Seeing that it was all clear, Rachel led Jeff down the hallway, around a curtain, and out a hidden back door. She walked in a quick pace down the alley and around the corner.

"How far away is this place?" Jeff asked.

"We're almost there!" Rachel looked back to him, taking in the scene before her. She was actually leading a famous comedic down an alley to a night club. Maybe this whole channeling her roommate/best friend really was going to help her out.

Rachel stopped suddenly, Jeff bumping into her slightly. He stopped her from flying forward, "Sorry!" he chuckled.

"It's alright!" Rachel turned her head back to face him, "We're finally here!" She pulled him through the side door and into the club. It was just as dark, loud, and crazy as usual. "Welcome to Midnight Madness!"

Jeff scanned his new surroundings. He wasn't quite sure how to feel about it all yet, but realizing he got to experience it with a beautiful, young woman sure made it seem more positive. Feeling Rachel's tug, he followed her to the bar and took a seat on the stool next to her.

"What would you like to drink?" she asked.

"Um, just a plain beer is fine," he tried to speak over the blaring music.

"Alright!" she smiled, ordering a beer for him and a Shirley temple.

Throughout the next hour, the two had more than the limit of drinks, and Rachel soon found herself feeling a bit dizzy. She leaned in to Jeff's ear, "Can you take me back to my place? I think I've overdone it a bit!"

"Sure," Jeff responded, standing and taking her hand. He put his other hand on her lower back and led her out of the club. "Now that we can actually have a conversation, I just wanted to say that you look stunning tonight."

Rachel tried to hide her growing blush, "Thanks! You look quite handsome yourself!"

Jeff closed some of the distance between them. He whispered in her ear, "Thank you! So where exactly do you live?"

"A couple more blocks!" Rachel stumbled a bit, falling into Jeff.

He caught her, wrapping his arms around her, "That alcohol had a major effect on you, huh?"

"I guess so!" She closed her eyes, leaning her head against Jeff's shoulder.

Jeff continued to hold a tight grip on her, leading her down the side walk in silence. When Rachel stopped suddenly again, Jeff had the chance to stop as well.

"Here we are, home…empty…home…" Rachel looked up to her building, dreading going inside.

"Let me take you upstairs," Jeff offered, helping her up the stairs and leading her inside and up to her place.

Once outside her door, Rachel pulled the keys from her clutch and fought with the lock until the key finally went in. She stumbled through the doorway, practically falling on her face. Luckily, Jeff wasn't as wasted and was quick to catch her. Pulling her back up on her feet, Rachel was now facing Jeff, her face mere inches from his.

Taking all the confidence she could muster, she leaned in and kissed him, her lips crashing against his. But in the same instant, she pulled away.

"Wow…I…I'm sorry…I don't know wh…"

She was cut off by Jeff's lips brushing against hers softly. Leaning into him more, she let the romantic passion take over her body and pushed him against the wall, grinding her body against him as she sucked on his neck.

Jeff twisted her around, now pinning her against the wall. He started tugging at the zipped on the side of her dress. Once it was low enough, he pulled the dress from her petite body, watching it drop to the floor.

Rachel's head dropped, looking at her now discarded clothing, but her eyes didn't remain there long. Jeff's hand lifted Rachel's chin back up, his lips meeting hers again.

As Jeff met her in a kiss again, Rachel jumped onto him, wrapping her legs around his waist. She held on, continuing to kiss him as he led her down her short hallway. He stopped halfway, pulling away from her kisses and asking, "Where's your room?"

Rachel laughed, sliding off of him. Once she had her balance back on the ground, she pulled him a couple more feet down the hall and into her room. She backed her way to her body, sitting on the edge. Using her pointer finger, she motioned Jeff to come to her.

He took her command dutifully and walked over, picking her up and laying her further back on the bed. Letting his body sink against hers, he started caressing her, kissing along her neck, down her collarbone, and soon down her torso. When he reached just below her navel, Rachel stopped him. "Hang on."

She sat up and smiled, "Strip!"

"What?" he smiled.

"I said strip! I'm not going to be the only half-dressed one here!" she laid back down, waiting for him to do as she asked.

Knowing he wouldn't be getting any further until he did as she wanted, Jeff stripped down to his boxers and crawled back on top of her.

Rachel giggled, "That's much better!" She pulled him closer, if that was humanly possible, and kissed him more.

"You are a tease, aren't you?" he pulled away some, laughing.

"In my own way, sure!" she grinned evilly.

Jeff shook his head, "Well, I'll be the one teasing you soon enough!"

"Oh, is that what you think?" Rachel huffed.

Jeff rolled off of her, facing away from her without a word.

"Hey!" Rachel pouted, but wouldn't let herself give in that easily. She rolled onto her side, facing away from him.

Feeling as though too much time had passed, Rachel rolled back over, wrapping her arm around his body and whispering in his ear, "Oh, Jeff-fa-fa…"

Jeff, hearing Rachel quote something from his own show, couldn't help but laugh. He rolled over onto his back, Rachel now resting against his chest, "Are you serious?"

"Hey, it got your attention, didn't it?" Rachel smiled.

"Yeah, I guess it did…" Jeff shrugged.

"Can…we…get…back…to…what…we…were…doing…" Rachel kissed down his chest, across his abs. When she reached his boxers, her fingers starting tugging at the band that held the undergarment to his body.

Jeff sat up, helping Rachel remove his boxers. He pulled her on to him, pulling her closer to him. As he caressed her body, he worked his hand to her bra strap, unhooking it with ease. He then moved to her panties, sliding them off of her as well.

Their two bodies grinded against each other as they made out passionately. Soon Rachel found herself wanting more, so, pulling back from Jeff, she asked, "I'm ready."

Jeff looked her directly in the eyes, "Are you sure?"

Rachel nodded, reaching across him and into her bedside drawer. She pulled out a condom and handed it to him, "Safety first!"

"Trust me, Rachel," he whispered, "I'm controlled; we won't need that."

"Positive?" Rachel eyed him suspiciously.

"Absolutely," Jeff nodded. He took the condom from her and set it back on the bedside table. Rolling over, he laid Rachel flat against the bed. He placed his member just outside her opening, "Let me know if you're uncomfortable, ok?"

Rachel nodded. She hadn't seen a shaft that size before, and seeing as she was a tiny girl, she was a bit worried about how he'd fit inside her. But not wanting to back out, she adjusted herself into a comfortable position and spoke softly, "Whenever you're ready."

Jeff offered her a light smile, pressing himself into her slowly. He didn't go too far in before pulling back out. Each time he re-entered her tight chambers, he went a little deeper, trying to ease her past the slight pain she may have been feeling.

Rachel moaned in pleasure, trying to forget about the slight discomforting feeling. She was enjoying this more than she ever had in the past, which to her wasn't much to compare to. Looking to Jeff, Rachel grinned. She was making love to a very handsome man, one that actually knew what he was doing.

Jeff leaned down and kissed Rachel, distracting her as he pushed himself all the way in to her. He heard her moan through their kiss, but she started sucking her lips, moving across her jawline, down her neck and on to her collarbone.

Rachel's fingers caressed Jeff's hair, grinding the rest of her body in one fluid motion with his.

The two carried on with their actions, occasionally changing positions to keep one from feeling too cramped. After making love for several minutes, Rachel finally felt herself nearing her climax. "Oh gosh, Jeff…oh…my…" and then she came.

Moments later, Jeff started cumming, pulling out of her in the process. "Oh, shit!"

Rachel looked at him, seeing his eyes widen as he collapsed on the bed next to her.

"Rach, I'm so sorry!"

"Jeff, calm down. It's alright!" Rachel rolled on her side, draping her arm across his chest and letting her head rest on his shoulder.

"Rachel, can I tell you something?" Jeff asked after a couple of minutes had passed.

"Sure," Rachel propped herself up on her elbow, looking at him.

"Even though we just met earlier tonight, I feel right with you. God, that makes me sound gay…along with my freaking blue Prius. Sorry!"

"You don't need to apologize," Rachel grinned, thinking back to when Jeff made fun of himself during his show, focusing on his blue Prius as his own insult. "I'm glad you feel that way, because I want a future with you."

She leaned down, lingering just above his lips as she heard him speak, "A future with you sounds wonderful."

And in that moment, their lips met again, this time, with a future in mind.

STORYTIMESTORYTIMESTORYTIME

A/N: Well, how did you feel about this? PLEASE, if you read, let me know!


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